Had a little personal epiphany just now, walking back from Castiglione (tobacco run…ok, wine too).
tldr If you’re bored, read on, if you’re happy clap your hands, or vice versa.
I’ve been home for a month, done nothing you’d call productive. Each week mostly two-part: half wine bender; half depressed couch potato.
Was putting it down to post-holiday malaise, and missing the girl. But a month is too long. And I was like this when I left. Different having Raven‘s energy, but without that, flatlining again.
But I somehow got to thinking about when I was in early teens, going to a nasty school, home life a bit of a mess. I was in a similar state then. Teenage hormonal cherchez la femme aside, I’d go to a disco or party at weekend, get wasted, lie in bed as much as possible during the week.
But then there was something that got me out of myself. The music bollocks.
Playing ‘Wild Thing’ on the guitar, very badly, but as loud as possible. Later this turned into bleepy stuff (also loud & discordant). Lost in music.
Until a few months ago, I did have a very comfortable home studio setup. Spent hours on end – nothing particularly imaginative – making noises. Until the PC died on me.
Nota bene: I had about a week’s stuff that I (at least) was pleased with, enjoying the process. Machine died. Now I do occasionally get angry, extremely rarely physical, verbal against a person maybe. But I just lost it, smashing a guitar down into pieces, and denting other bits.
Rational Danny tried to recuperate some time later, the guitar bits are in the workshop under epoxy supervision. Bought a new PSU and case. (Very likely the machine had given up the ghost thanks to electrical storms). But I haven’t had the will to put things together and try again.
A Catch-22 perhaps.
In the meantime, I can lose myself in any interesting hard/software project, earthquake prevention seemed reasonable. Lost the enthusiasm when I got home. For anything I enjoy, except bars.
FFS! A guitar and amp were enough for me when I was 14, I’m in a much, much better situation now.
I did come up with an approach that nearly worked for getting out of a shitty frame of mind. First tidy yourself up, then immediate surroundings, and/or dogs. Then expand from there.
Suppose I was missing my soul? The spirit? (As a metaphor, I accept happily).
Anyhow, I sort out some ability to make noises this weekend.